Wednesday, September 16, 2009 Capt. Athan;
9:11 PM
Stardate 90916.9
Incoming transmission.....
[Well, it has been awhile since I posted anything, but I have a reason. Refer to my last. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically unstable. FUBAR on the outside, dead on the flipside. In case you were wondering, FUBAR means Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, hence, FUBAR. Never mind if you don't get it, it's a military term. Anyway, I spent the last couple of days rebooting my 'systems', unscrambling and re-assorting my neural pathways (my mind in other words), and trying to rebuild the former screw up of myself.
I tried and failed so I went back to trying to get myself hurt again, but "someone" doesn't want me to. So I decided to not be physically hurt, but in every other way. So I started to try my luck on someone else. It's like jackpot; you win some, you lose some. And I tried, and tried, and tried. But in the end, we could get along, but it didn't happen. Because she loves a korean guy thats miles away and she knows it's impossible, but she hangs on to it. So, basically, I'm done. There's nothing left for me in this world, but to move on to the next.
Ok since I was not here these past few days, I will update you homies on current shite.
.Siying recently had her still-born birthday. So, happy birthday.(From certain rumors, it has been said that she almost cried when she saw my present. Almost)
.6 days to ODST release. (I'm so psyched!!)
.A new pizza hut is planning to open in hougang mall.(Finally! After all these years!)
.My awesomest day is comming up! Cosequently the release of Modern Warfare 2.(16 babeh! Woohoo!)
.Not so recently, I'm attracted to weird, out-of-my-league girls.(Who doesn't know that, honestly?)
.Sofia's a newcomer in my social circle.(Welcome to my inner circumference.)
.Adam is stressed out by Batman Arkham Asylum. They either have no stock for him or he wants a lower price.(Damn it adam! If you weren't so damn fickle minded, you would've already gotten your game.)
.And lastly, Choir sucked big time.(Come on sec 3s. We've trained you guys enough. Please don't piss away the time you've had with us. I know as your senior I'm supposed to teach you how to properly pull the weight of the choir, but as your friend I understand and sympathise with you.)
Come on sec 3s. Don't tell me all the screaming was wasted and the sec 4s got sore throats for nuts. We care about you guys and the well-being of the choir. Ryan told me once that you guys are more 'bonded' with each other than before. But ask yourselves this,"is being more bonded helping our singing?" Although being bonded is good, you guys must stay strong and support the choir. Don't ever falter. If you do, pick yourselves up and continue on. The rest of the choir is dependant on you as seniors to lead them and you MUST NOT let them down. I learnt this the hard way training you guys for SYF. It hurts the sec 4s to see that what we did wasn't good enough to retain a gold. And to see you guys pissing ms yee off is no good thing. I heard she walked out during practice today. If you can make her do that, what's to stop her from leaving the choir permanently?
Louis, Brian, Mczie, Gabriel, Marcus, and Ryan. Come on lah. Don't do this to the boys. I know that being the sole responsibility for the whole of the boys is too much to handle. But look at me, Daryl, and Aloy. Did we quit on you? We gave you our very best, passed on whatever knowledge that we had since we were sec 1. I don't know about the other sections, but you as my baritone boys are supposed to be supporting the choir, not dragging them down.
As for the new discplinarian, I can only offer advice from my experiences in choir.
1. Never argue with the EXCO.
2. Follow instructions given by teachers, ms yee or leaders that have a higher rank than you.
3. Do your job. Don't add to the chaos. (I only did this during sec 4. Don't follow me.)
You know, being more united does not necessarily mean you'll get success. If being too bonded is prventing you from reaching your goal, break apart. Not really nice words to hear but getting what you are aiming for requires sacrifice.
You know, during SYF training, I had hoped for at least a low gold, but I already knew it was either a silver or bronze. Even though I knew we couldn't make it, I still pushed the boys to train harder. Some of you already started hating us sec 4s, but we didn't care. We sacrificed our time, effort and patience with you all. D'you know that during the SYF training, the sec 4's exam marks were extremely low? That's how much the choir means to us. We still managed to pull through, but we couldn't have gotten the gold.
Anyway, please take good care of the choir for us. We will come back and visit whenever we are free. Right now is exams and revisions all the way, so naturally no time. But we will pop by every now and then to check up on you guys. Singing is a gift, not a talent. Don't waste it by "bonding" too much with the choir.
That's all I have to say.
Bouncin' out]
End transmission.
Mission Accomplished
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 Capt. Athan;
7:47 PM
Stardate 90902.7
Incoming transmission.....
[For those people that are EXTREMELY sensitive to coarse language, please, I advise you not to read these next few paragraphs. *Warning. Content rated for mature audiences only. Viewer discretion is advised.*
Firstly,
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!? I just received info from cow that Debra was going out with masheyr. I don't blame her for who she chooses to be with, but I'm asking myself,"what the hell did I do wrong? Was I overdoing it? Am I not good enough for her? WHAT? WHAT MAKES ME SO GODDAMN IMPERFECT?" I know it's blasphemy, and I know I'll probably go to hell for that, but WHY?
I can change. I tried changing my attitude for her, but it wasn't good enough. It was NO WHERE NEAR good enough. I feel as terrible as the day she rejected me. I just haven't had the experience of actually liking someone that also likes me back, and I don't have the experience of trying to get other girls to like me. I never did. There are wrong sorts of girls who wanted to date me for the sake of it, to show off that they have a boyfriend to their friends, to gain popularity. But I do it because I want to find happiness, someone to share my interests with me, to support me in whatever I do, and in turn I would do the same for her.
I thought debra would be that girl, but no. I can't think straight anymore. She made her choice. The world moves on, with or without me.
I feel cold. Empty inside. My soul turns to ash. Nothing left to use. The fire of my spirit has died. My world left in flames. There's nothing I can do, but to walk on, walk on and never look back.
But no. I just can't do it. Why'd she have to be so perfect to me? Why'd she have to sway me away from being a demon? I thought she would wait for me, but it was all a dream. A horrible prison to keep me from seeing the truth, which is why I am so deluded.
I'm useless, insignificant, irrelevant, illogical, and most of all, wasted.
I hate myself for that. I want to do what I should have done on this year's valentine's.
I can't save myself, no no no oh oh. I can't SAVE MY...SELF!
She was my dream, my ambition, my very heart and soul. Without her I'm completely lost and wouldn't know where to go. And now she's truly gone, my heart is wracked with grief. Seeing her with someone else, makes me go insane. I'm gonna rip my heart out, and wa...tch it all... end! I'm gona wa....tch it all end! I'm gonna WA......TCH IT ALL E....ND!!
There's nothing left for me.. now, I'm hollow once again. I just watched my heart get burned and turned into ash. There's nothin' left for me to do, but to simply. Lie. In. PA...................................IN!!! so I'll close my eyes. and gently fade. away....]
End transmission.
Mission Accomplished
